did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
