This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Randomize
