you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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