I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Randomize
