Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
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