My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Randomize
