he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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