Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
