we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize