Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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