My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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