I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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