my phone needs a breathalizer
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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