It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
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