this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
