the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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