I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Randomize
