can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Randomize
