I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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