who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Randomize
