Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Randomize
