i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
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