Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Randomize
