I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Randomize
