I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
