On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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