I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
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