I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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