College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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