I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
