I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
