Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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