I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
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