After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
