My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
