im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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