it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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