Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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