so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
