You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
The feeling are messing with the penis
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
