YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
