If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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