u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
