I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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