I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
You took a bar mat shot.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
