textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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