I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Randomize
