she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
