I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
