if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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