At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
