you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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