I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Randomize