Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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