that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
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